Akatsuki Crack
by Demose
Summary: Just any old day with the Akatsuki. Blood shed, cursing, mayhem, Shark Week. The usual.


It had started out as any regular day at the Akatsuki base, the sun rose, the birds chirped, and the members inside went about doing their usual things.

Today Deidara decided enough was enough and Tobi needed to die.

Yeah, this wasn't different from normal either.

"Tobi I swear to GOD-"

"Jashin," Hidan corrected lazily, his head popping out from behind the refrigerator door as Deidara ran passed. One of his hands was immersed nearly up to his elbow in his clay bag again.

"-IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE AND TAKE IT LIKE A MAN I'LL ONLY DRAG IT OUT LONGER, UN." Of course, Deidara just continued on as if Hidan didn't even exist. Everyone was used to the Jashinist trying to convert them all to his religion, like those damned Jehovah Witness' who knocked on their base door once a year.

"Senpai is being mean! Senpai should not glare at Tobi! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi has done nothing wrong!" As the two hurtled up a nearby flight of stairs Hidan could have sworn he heard Deidara scream something along the lines of "LET SENPAI SHOVE HIS FOOT UP GOOD BOY'S ASS THEN IF YOU'RE SO GOOD, UN". He chuckled, that was _so_ getting brought up later. Hidan never missed a chance to take what Deidara said, twist it into something else and make him squirm. It was so much fun.

The newest member of Akatsuki flew into his room and locked the door. He braced it with his bed, dresser, television, life sized Justin Bieber cut out, Hello Kitty collection, and pretty much anything else he could get his hands on. He backed away when he was finished, still listening to Deidara pound on the door and scream for him to get out there and die.

Now that he was certain Deidara couldn't get to him without blowing his door off – which he wouldn't do because Kakuzu would kill him – Tobi sat down to catch his breath. He was safe.

That's what the idiot told himself, anyway. One minute Tobi was sitting cross-legged in the middle of his room catching his breath, the next he was sitting against the far wall covered in his charred kitty dolls and remnants of what used to be his bed. Just beyond his feet was the head of his Bieber cut out.

"NO!" Tobi cried, clutching the cut-out head in his hands, tears rolling out from under his mask. "_**NO!**_ HOW COULD YOU DO THIS DEIDARA-SENPAI?"

Deidara, who was looking entirely too happy with himself, entered the room. "I'm going to do a lot worse to you Tobi. Today is the day I finally, _finally_ get to kill your ass!"

Tobi threw the Bieber head at his Senpai's face, tears still rolling down his neck from under his mask, and then ducked around him, sprinting out of sight once more.

"Mother fucker!" Deidara screeched and took off after the masked-nin. "You can't run forever, un!"

Konan had to back step into her bedroom to avoid getting rammed into. She stepped out again when Deidara was passed her doorway and blinked at his back, it seemed the mayhem had already begun and it was only 9 AM, wonderful. Pein was going to be bitching about a headache before lunch, hurray for her.

She ventured downstairs, hoping to get away from all the madness. She found Hidan sitting at the table eating some dry cereal. She sighed.

"Is there really no milk?"

"Yeah," He said, munching on his multi-colored loops. "You usually do the shopping, no one else knows how to handle money wisely besides fucking Kakuzu, and that greedy bastard wouldn't let anyone but you and Pein touch it anyway." She glared at him and opened the fridge, hoping to find something.

At that precise moment, with Hidan still munching on his loops, Tobi ran behind his chair and he felt a horrible pain in his neck.

Then his head flopped into his bowl of dry cereal.

Deidara ran passed, stopped for a moment to laugh at Hidan's predicament, and then continued to chase Tobi.

"..." Hidan blinked, trying to dislodge the Froot Loops that were now sticking to his eyeballs. "Tobi, PUT MY FUCKIN' SCYTHE DOWN YOU MOTHER FUCKIN' PIECE OF SHIT. JASHIN WILL MURDER YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE SET OF HELLO FUCKING KITTY DOLLS FOR THIS JASHIN DAMN INSULT. DAMN IT. Kakuzu! Get in here and sew my head back on so I can go kill that fuckin' bastard for touching my fuckin' scythe and cutting my Jashin damn head off!"

Tobi's only response, as he ran farther and farther into the base, was a tear choked "SENPAI ALREADY MURDERED TOBI'S KITTIES".

Konan closed the fridge and sighed, as if nothing had just happened. "Nothing in there but a block of moldy cheese..."

"Hey, Konan, fuckin' help me out here, will ya!" Hidan pleaded - as much as the Jashinist would ever plead - from his bowl. Konan blinked at him.

"You didn't say please." She chided.

"Fuck you and fuck your please! My severed head is LYING IN A BOWL OF FROOT LOOPS." His muffled screams did nothing more than annoy her.

"Well then, I guess you'll be waiting for Kakuzu, who, but the way, is currently recounting how much money we have, he'll be a while." She turned on her heel and left the kitchen the way she'd come, it had been a mistake to even get out of bed.

"YOU FUCKIN' BITCH! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE AND HELP ME, JASHIN DAMN IT!" He screamed and bellowed until his throat was hoarse, but no one came. He sighed irritably and took a deep breath, attempting to calm himself.

A bunch of Froot Loops got sucked in and he began choking on them. Eventually, he managed to swallow them, but they did nothing more than come out of the stump that was once his neck. "Damn it! Kakuzu hurry the fuck up, man!"

From a distance, Hidan heard a firm and very distinct "no". He cursed some more.

There was a long lull in Hidan's screams for vengeance, punctuated only by Tobi's muffled screams of terror and Deidara's angry battle cries. Someone entered the kitchen, out of Hidan's line of sight, and he sighed with relief. "Finally you got your slow ass in here. Help me up, Kakuzu."

He heard a snicker.

That wasn't Kakuzu.

Jashin damn it.

"You know, I've always wondered... how do you manage to speak when your vocal cords are severed?" Kisame, one of the more laid back members of the Akatsuki, inquired from behind Hidan. He was leaning against the counter, grinning at the bloody mess in the kitchen. Hidan's body was still oozing blood all over the linoleum floor. Itachi was not going to be happy that his wax and buff had been ruined with blood again. The shark man snickered some more, that was going to be fun to tell him.

"Because Lord Jashin enables me to do so! He is almighty! He is God you fucking moron! If I wanted to, I could ask him to let me shit rainbows and by Jashin I'd be able to do it, Jashin damn it!" He attempted to turn his head so that he could see Kisame, but it didn't work as he had no neck muscles to speak of at the moment. "Help me up you fuckin' fish bitch!"

Kisame stopped snickering. "I am not a fish."

Hidan snorted. "Yeah, okay, and I'm mortal."

"Well your immortality is really screwing you over right about now, isn't it?" Kisame snickered again and pushed himself off the counter. He began to exit the kitchen, but stopped himself. He turned to face Hidan once more. "Shark Week starts today, so I'll be gone until next Saturday. Let Leader-Sama know that, would you?" And then he was gone.

"KISAME GET YOUR FUCKIN' FISH FACE BACK HERE. I SWEAR TO FUCKIN' JASHIN I WILL SACRIFICE YOUR WORTHLESS ASS AS SOON AS KAKUZU PUTS ME BACK TOGETHER." Hidan was so pissed right now. Deidara and Kisame had both laughed at him and walked away. They were going to pay so dearly. Konan had walked away as well, but he couldn't touch her because she was Pein's bitch and Pein would swoop down on him and instill a thousand years of pain on him, Kakashi style.

That was not okay, even for a man who enjoyed pain.

___Meanwhile, up in Itachi's room___

"..." Itachi set his book down, finally having given up on trying to ignore the mayhem going on all around the base. Hidan was causing an uproar in the kitchen, Tobi and Deidara were practically destroying the base and screaming at the tops of their lungs and Pein and Konan were. . . yeah Itachi wasn't even going to think about the noise they were making.

Even a cold, emotionless prodigy like himself didn't want to think about that.

So, since sparring with Kisame was out because Shark Week started today, and he'd given up his only other blissful escape from the insanity that was Akatsuki, he decided it was time to feed himself. He opened his door and headed downstairs. He knew there were still some Froot Loops, so at least he could eat those, even if there was no milk.

___Back in the kitchen___

When Itachi entered the kitchen, all thoughts of food fled his mind.

There was blood all over his _clean fucking floor_.

It was time for someone to die.

"Who." Itachi asked, murder evident in his swirling red eyes.

"Tobi." Hidan said, muffled through his cereal. He grinned maliciously. Tobi would be dead in minutes. Thank you, Jashin!

Itachi was out the door in a heartbeat.

Next moment, Tobi's screams grew much, much louder.

Hidan began cackling madly, and cackled louder when Kakuzu finally swooped in to inspect the damage done to him. He lifted his partners head from the bowl, plucked a few of the multi-colored loops from his eyes and then proceeded to reattach his head. Hidan muttered colorfully under his breath as he waited impatiently for Kakuzu to finish. Oh, the things he was going to do to Tobi and that little runt Deidara. That idiot had actually laughed at him! LAUGHED! He was going to pay so dearly, Lord Jashin was going to be so pleased with him...

"Done." Before Kakuzu had so much as finished the word, Hidan was out the kitchen door.

"Time for Tobi Hunting!" He heard the psychopath scream from somewhere upstairs. Tobi cried in terror somewhere further up (there were a lot of level's), idiotically giving his position away. Hidan cackled, his voice even farther now, and the sound of running feet was quite prominent. How the hell had he gotten their so fast?

Kakuzu shrugged, unconcerned with the fact that someone was most likely going to die today and he poured the rest of Hidan's dry cereal into a plastic bag, labeled it with his name, and stored it in a cupboard. No sense in wasting good food just because Hidan's nasty face had been in it. The religious zealot was just going to have to eat it later.

Speaking of food, Kakuzu's stomach growled irritably at him. He didn't bother inspecting the fridge, he knew there would be nothing in there. The shopping hadn't gotten done recently, as Konan had vehemently refused to do it after Deidara made a crude comment about her being the "woman" so she was "supposed" to do those domestic type things. Idiot.

Kakuzu sighed, and went to search for Itachi, who was most likely still attempting to kill Tobi for dirtying his nice, clean floor. Kakuzu sighed, now they'd have to waste money and buy _more_ floor cleaner, _more_ swiffer wet jet pads and _more_ floor wax. Damn idiots.

Well, if he was going to go grocery shopping, then Itachi was going to suffer with him for making him buy those stupid unnecessary and costly things..

Plus Kakuzu had no idea how to break into the nearest village, Konoha, without being detected. Itachi would be necessary if they were to get food and not be discovered by the annoying Leaf.


End file.
